Autumn's Call

This post is my response to autumn's beckoning. I am privileged to have the months of September and October off from work each year and, here in Oregon, those are often lovely, extended-summer-like months. But as the calendar pages flip to the date of my return to work I am lifted by the colors that mean fall has come to the Northwest and that there is still brightness around me.

The visual images that lead me back to work include brilliant yellows in the vineyards of the Willamette Valley, radiant red leaves on the blueberry fields that dot the landscape, both commercial crops and backyard patches, and finally the red and oranges of the trees in our own backyard. There is such beauty in plants as they go into their shut-down phase... I hope that I can also maintain some of that brightness through my return-to-work transition next week!

Changes

I have concluded that the most difficult stage of parenting is not the terrible two's, not the first day of kindergarten, not the angst-ridden years of adolescence, not even the first year after they get their driver's license...the most difficult stage is when they move from dependent child/student to independent adult.

At this moment we have four "kids" going through this stage. In ways one of them has already passed through, although her choices continue to baffle us and we know that at any moment we could be faced with financial obligations we had hoped to be done with. Kristen graduated from college in 2008 and moved to Boston where she managed to find a great job in a successful company.
She was earning good money, had great benefits and we were relieved to have one launched. We continued to cover some expenses, but for the most part she was off. All that changed recently when she quit her job and moved to Phoenix to be with her boyfriend. She has a job lined up but it pays $20,000 less than the one she left and the benefits are not clear yet. But we are pushing more of her expenses south to Arizona and hoping she will make it. When she called yesterday to announce that she had gone jet skiing and bought a new video game, our desire to help-out financially faded!

Andrew graduated from college in 2009 and spent a year working in a lab for $10 an hour. He is the super-responsible one and frankly, it has been an easy year for us as parents. He has picked up his own car and health insurance and student loan payments and managed to cover all of his expenses. He is off to start a PhD program in a couple weeks and the next 5 years look set for him. He earns a salary and gets free tuition and health insurance. The challenge for/with him right now revolves around a girlfriend - uncertainty flows throughout that situation and there has been more than one night when he has plopped his 6'3" frame in front of us seeking advice...we shall see how that plays out.

Heather graduated this past May. That for me was an unsettling time. For the first time since my kids were born I had no defined role. While they were in school and college I knew where they were, knew they had a roof over their heads and food on the table. I made editing suggestions on a paper now and then, but mostly I just lurked on the edges of their lives. When Heather graduated I felt more responsibility than in years, but no defined right to impose. It has been an interesting summer. When things are going well she is an adult and my suggestions receive an eye roll; when everything seems to be falling a part I get a frantic, tearful phone call. I am trying to just hold on to the very tip of the kite that is Heather and watch as she rides the currents. She has ideas and dreams that seem ungrounded, but then I watch as she makes them happen. Nevertheless I am worrying more during the wee hours of the morning than I have since the first time Andrew had bronchitis as an infant.

And then there is Tom.
Tom completed his PhD in Math 4 days ago. He is 27 and has been in school since he was 3. I only came into his life during his junior year of college, but he has tested every reserve that his dad and I have. Tom is impulsive and we experience that with daily phone calls. He feels the need to tell us everything, before he tries to resolve it - he calls and stresses us out. He is just back from 3 weeks in England. The boy presented a lecture at Cambridge - he can solve the most challenging math problem on earth, but he calls us for the simplest concern. On Tuesday he starts a teaching job at the University of Toledo in Ohio. Because of time constraints we worked with him and made arrangements to have his car shipped to Toledo, we bought a plane ticket for him, paid for a hotel for the first few nights - even gave him money for the taxi from the airport to his hotel. He was to fly there tomorrow. Today at about 1:00 PM he decided to drive rather than fly. We have been discussing this for the past 36 hours and discouraging it every way possible, but he called at 4:00 and he is in Arizona. It takes 35 hours of driving to get from San Diego to Toledo. He has just about that before he starts his job. If he drives without stops. If his ten-year old car doesn't break down. The car transport company already charged our card and we are now stuck with an airplane ticket - changeable, but not refundable. We are exhausted and frustrated.

But, I think that every kid needs to find their time and their method of disengaging from their parents. And we need to step back when that time comes. This is Tom's time and our challenge is to wait for his call and then to ask, "gee, what are you going to do about that?" rather than continuing to anticipate his needs and pay his way.

Wish us luck....

PS: I have just re-read this and am reminded, again, that we are blessed. These challenges are enviable in many ways but I need to take a step back to remember that!

Back again

Writing is a treat. I imagine myself hiding away with no distractions - a glass of wine, and some cheese and crackers to sustain me, and then I get to indulge in a piece of writing. For this reason I rarely allow myself to do it. I am in the last few hours of a two week vacation - the top thing on my list for this vacation was to write a blog entry, so here I am! I had some very focused thoughts for this return to blogging, but my mind is now bouncing around looking for something to land on.

I will begin with the start of my vacation. No, I'll begin with the end. My mother-in-law, Margie, just called. Margie lives in Las Vegas and she called to report that she just got home from the casino. She had a $15 credit to use on the slots so she drove to the casino and applied her credit to the penny machine. She walked away with One Thousand, Two Hundred Dollars. This woman never loses on the slots, I played beside her once and in the time it took me to throw away my fifteen dollars, she pocketed five hundred dollars. But, that is not why this is remarkable. The stunning thing in this story is that exactly two weeks ago tonight Sam, his sister from New York, and I stood around Margie's hospital bed. We had been summoned because this time she really was dying. Blockages in her arteries...barely able to move or breathe...can't-go-on-just-take-me-home-so-I-can-die-on-my-couch...We were attentive, we held her hands, we encouraged her and tolerated her complaints about her roommate, the nurses, her doctors and the food....I started my vacation dutifully at her bedside and endured the 113 degree heat outside to be there.


But tonight she drove to the casino and won $1200! Oh well, good for her! Margie is 85 years old with a mind sharper than any 20 year old I know (and I know many since I work in a college). She is stubborn and vain - she has left a path strewn with discarded men (and children, but that is another story)- she can get down on the floor and back up again faster than I can and she will die with her hair fixed and her lipstick perfect. She is amazing and enraging. We love her.

There is so much more to say but it is now 10:00 and I need to go to bed so I can make it to work on time in the morning...I hope to treat myself with more writing soon.

Forgiveness

"In forgiveness the victim forgoes the right to vengeance."

I am reading a book called Amish Grace - How Forgiveness Transcended Tragedy. It is about the murder of 5 Amish girls in the one room schoolhouse in Pennsylvania in October of 2006. I first heard about the murders while checking my e-mail in an internet cafe in Peschici, Italy. I logged onto Yahoo and it was the lead story. "Deadly Shooting at Amish School." I was immediately disoriented. There have been times in my life when the ground seems to shift under me and I no longer know where to put my feet. This was one of those times.

I grew up just outside Lancaster, Pennsylvania. It was not uncommon during my childhood to ride on roads that carried as many horse-drawn buggies as cars. We had our kitchen cabinets built by an Amish man, sold one of our horses to an Amish girl, and bought pies from Amish women. I have been to the Amish communities of "Paradise," "Intercourse," and "Blue Ball." On summer Sundays our family would attend Meeting for Worship at the Quaker meetinghouse just down the road from the school where these girls were killed. I remember sitting in the silence, smelling the musty benches that had supported my ancestors for 200 years of worship - the cicadas were humming in the trees outside the open door and from time to time I would hear the clomp, clomp, clomp of a horse and buggy passing by the meetinghouse. Those memories of a world that seems unimaginable in my day-to-day life now, are precious to me.

On October 2, 2006 a father of three left suicide notes for his wife and kids, drove to the one room schoolhouse and entered with guns and the materials he needed to barricade the doors. He had the teacher and the male students leave before he bound up the girls hands and feet and barricaded the schoolhouse doors. Without any phone there was no way to call for help and the teacher ran across the fields to the nearest farm with a phone and help was summoned. By the time the police arrived the man had shot 10 girls, killing 5 and then himself. But that is not the story that I am carrying with me these past few days. The reaction of the Amish community is what has stirred me so much.

The same day of the killings, while the five surviving girls were fighting for their lives in hospitals, members of the Amish community were already visiting the wife and kids and parents of the man who had caused this tragedy. The Amish recognized that his family would be experiencing pain and loss and grief and they went to provide comfort and to express their forgiveness of the man. When thousands of dollars of donations arrived from around the world, the Amish decided to give half of the donations to the gunman's family to help with the financial burden of losing the income that he had provided. Nearly 50 Amish men and women attended the burial of the gunman in support of his family and to show their forgiveness.

Many have tried to uncover what motivated this response. Was it for show? Was it because the eyes of the world were on their community? Was it sincere? The Amish didn't really understand the questions. All they have ever known is a world where the first reaction when one is wronged is to forgive. They believe that only by forgiving will they ever be forgiven. They pray The Lord's Prayer numerous times each day. It is the only prayer that they say out loud because they believe it pretty much covers anything that needs to be said.

Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors

Each day is filled with numerous moments when the choice of whether or not to forgive is presented to us. Fortunately most offenses are minor, but even those can catch me up. I imagine what the world would be like if the impulse was to step towards the one who offends and to embrace them - if not literally, at least figuratively. We are a defensive society and too often my impulse is to interpret gestures as personal offenses. Someone cuts me off in traffic and I am enraged at the offense. If someone has spoken negatively about me I want to defend myself against them. But a reaction of defense, or anger, never diffuses a situation or eases the tension and anxiety.

I am inspired and encouraged by this book. I actually can imagine a world where the first reaction is one of calm, and peace, and forgiveness. I don't truly believe we will ever live in a world like that, but the Amish show that it can be done. Imagine the outcome if we all just stopped defending ourselves and fighting back. What might have happened if, after September 11, 2001 our country had reached out to the families of the men who flew the planes? What if we had gone to their countries and tried to understand why the attacks happened? Somehow I can't imagine that we would be any further behind than we currently are and maybe we would even be in a better place.

Vegetarian Chili

I like weekends because I have time to cook things that take more than 15 minutes to prepare. Today I made vegetarian chili. Sam is on a new diet and this is high in protein and low in fat.

First saute in 2 tablespoons of Canola oil:
Chopped red, yellow, and/or orange peppers
Onion
Garlic
Celery





Next crumble extra firm tofu into pot and continue to saute:



Add about 1 tablespoon chili powder and one teaspoon crushed red pepper:





Add 2 cans of stewed tomatoes and 2 tablespoons of red wine vinegar:





Finally add 2 cans of beans - I like Garbanzo beans and kidney beans:



Let simmer for 20 minutes, pour glass of wine and enjoy the smells and then eat!

Year-end Meme

Got this idea from Michelle at Bleeding Espresso : http://bleedingespresso.com/

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Married Sam. Watched my firstborn graduate from college. Started learning Italian; started learning Spanish. Grew eggplant. Stayed in Boulder, Utah. Had a colonoscopy. Hosted my high school roommate for a visit after 30 years!
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t really make resolutions.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No one really close.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No one really close.
5. What countries did you visit? Unfortunately I did not visit any countries in 2009. Only in even years!
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Time in Europe. A son who is studying in grad school. A step-son who has a job. A daughter who graduates from college and is following her dreams.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 9th because we got married that day.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? It wasn’t mine, exactly, but it was sure satisfying to watch Andrew graduate Summa Cum Laude from college!


9. What was your biggest failure? Not finding more ease in being a step-mother to Kristen.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Strange pulled muscle in my stomach that has kept me from doing sit-ups for over 5 months now.
11. What was the best thing you bought? Rosetta Stone – Italian and Spanish. Also the BMW 328i!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Sam for being so pleasant during the long visit from my parents.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Most of the Fox News folks and Rush Limbaugh.
14. Where did most of your money go? Hard to pin point!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Marrying Sam!
16. What song will always remind you of 2009? “God Bless the Broken Road That Led Me Straight To You.” Rascal Flatts
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer? (a) About the same (b) fatter, but I was too thin last year and (c) definitely richer, in every way!
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Reading, writing, communicating with Kristen, meditating.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Complaining and obsessing.
20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve with Andrew and Heather and Kristen and Tom and Sam and Christmas day at home with Sam and Kristen and Tom.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Every day.
22. What was your favorite TV program? Castle and Cold Case
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don’t think so, although my ex-sister-in-law is stirring some unpleasant emotions!
24. What was the best book you read? South from Granada, Gerald Brenan – I know there are others, but I can’t think of them right now.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? James Taylor is always the greatest
26. What did you want and get? Sam – time in Utah
– more kayaking
27. What did you want and not get? Trip to Maine to visit my parents before they moved
28. What was your favorite film of this year? Don’t know yet..I’m at least a year behind
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 48 and my parents were here for Andrew’s graduation and we had a couple friends over and Heather and Seth (her boyfriend) were here too.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I think if I was retired and if we were living in Europe, but there is no way to know that for sure. I have many reasons to be satisfied with things as they are.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
32. What kept you sane? Planning next year’s trip to Spain and reading blogs and of course, running!
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Obama
34. What political issue stirred you the most? Health care and war
35. Who did you miss? Many people at various times.
36. Who was the best new person you met? I have made several on-line friends, but Heather’s boyfriend Seth has to be the “best” new person!


37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. My perspective is never the only one and rarely the correct one.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love, along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign, pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passin' through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand, you've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan, that is comin' true

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

The Facebook dimension

I'm contemplating the whole idea of my Facebook "community." At first I used FB only to stay in touch with my kids while they were studying abroad.



Then, while snowed in last Christmas, I discovered lots of high school friends with whom I had not communicated in 30 years and it was fun to get a glimpse of their lives and to share some of my own.


Over the next months I was found by lost friends from as far back as summer camp - girls (because that is how I remember these now-middle-aged women) who I had not seen or talked to in over 35 years!



I started to feel like FB was a small town where I knew everyone and I could walk down the street and say hello, or not, and if I heard snippets of conversation that interested me I could stop and comment. My birthday came and I enjoyed the well-wishes of friends from all over the world and - even though there is little easier than writing "Happy Birthday" on someone's FB wall- it still made me feel cared for.

From time to time I was asked to "friend" someone I could not even remember, but they had gone to high school at the same time I was there and remembered me, and a few others who I swear I never knew, but we have several mutual friends, so what the heck. I have 2 friend requests right now from people that have no connection to me. I don't want to delete the requests (that seems rude and, who knows, in time perhaps I will figure out a connection), but I also don't want to accept them as friends in case they are weird stalker types pretending to be the normal looking person in their photo! I have also asked others to be my friend and have never gotten a response. I like to think it is because they don't actually log onto their FB account - surely it isn't an actual rejection - is it?!

I am "friends" with some of my nieces and nephews and a couple cousins who all live on the East coast and this has provided a way for us to know each other a little bit. I enjoy the updates on their lives and being one of the first rather than the last (as I have been since moving 3000 miles away) to learn of engagements, pregnancies, grad school acceptances, etc. I am even friends with one ex-husband and his sisters and their kids, although I have limited what they can see in my profile.

Through FB I have also become "friends" with two couples who live in Spain. I had originally found them through reading their blogs and then connected on FB and now I have a frequent glimpse into their worlds. When we are in Spain next fall we are going to visit with both couples. I have never known anyone through the internet before meeting them in person, but they have come to feel like a real part of my world.

Last night I updated my status and someone from Connecticut - someone who was 4 or 5 years behind me in high school but, apparently thought highly of me at the time and was so pleased to have "found" me-went on a total rant. Much of what she said had nothing to do with my post, but she was going off about immigrants and such. When I commented back to her trying to bring her back to my very basic point (that I was choosing to study Spanish) she went on further about our society taking God out of everything, and how her world is about responsibilities so she doesn't have time to learn another language and that I should go and enjoy my trip and post all my photos on FB! Wow!

I discovered, sitting at my dining room table, that someone 3000 miles away seems to resent my life as she assumes it to be, based on what I have put on FB! I started to respond but then decided it just wasn't worth it. I would not know this person if I tripped over her and I was puzzled about how my words, or my life, could get her so agitated. I wanted to e-mail her and explain - to fill her in on the realities of my life since she last saw me in 1979 so that she could know some of the hard times and then maybe accept me and be happy for the life I have now. But why? I thought about un-friending her, but don't want to hurt her feelings. Geesh! How ridiculous is that? Why doesn't she un-friend me if my postings are so offensive?

This morning I re-read the comment string on my post. It turns out that her comment was posted just behind the comment of another I-don't-really-know-you-but-I-see-you-sometimes-and-FB-has-made-us-closer friends. Eddie Baba. Eddie is an immigrant from Romania. After this woman's rant about immigrants Eddie ceased to add any more comments. I found myself wanting to write to her now and tell her about Eddie - or I wanted to publicly apologize to Eddie for her comments and also to let him and everyone else know that I do NOT agree with her. But, in the end I just deleted the entire post. I'm sure that no one will even notice. If, by some off-chance this woman were to ask, I would tell her more. I will hold off on un-friending her. That my life matters to her at all is something she is choosing.

But, as I walk down the street of this odd FB community, I think I'll take the long way around the block to avoid her house for awhile!