Forgiveness

"In forgiveness the victim forgoes the right to vengeance."

I am reading a book called Amish Grace - How Forgiveness Transcended Tragedy. It is about the murder of 5 Amish girls in the one room schoolhouse in Pennsylvania in October of 2006. I first heard about the murders while checking my e-mail in an internet cafe in Peschici, Italy. I logged onto Yahoo and it was the lead story. "Deadly Shooting at Amish School." I was immediately disoriented. There have been times in my life when the ground seems to shift under me and I no longer know where to put my feet. This was one of those times.

I grew up just outside Lancaster, Pennsylvania. It was not uncommon during my childhood to ride on roads that carried as many horse-drawn buggies as cars. We had our kitchen cabinets built by an Amish man, sold one of our horses to an Amish girl, and bought pies from Amish women. I have been to the Amish communities of "Paradise," "Intercourse," and "Blue Ball." On summer Sundays our family would attend Meeting for Worship at the Quaker meetinghouse just down the road from the school where these girls were killed. I remember sitting in the silence, smelling the musty benches that had supported my ancestors for 200 years of worship - the cicadas were humming in the trees outside the open door and from time to time I would hear the clomp, clomp, clomp of a horse and buggy passing by the meetinghouse. Those memories of a world that seems unimaginable in my day-to-day life now, are precious to me.

On October 2, 2006 a father of three left suicide notes for his wife and kids, drove to the one room schoolhouse and entered with guns and the materials he needed to barricade the doors. He had the teacher and the male students leave before he bound up the girls hands and feet and barricaded the schoolhouse doors. Without any phone there was no way to call for help and the teacher ran across the fields to the nearest farm with a phone and help was summoned. By the time the police arrived the man had shot 10 girls, killing 5 and then himself. But that is not the story that I am carrying with me these past few days. The reaction of the Amish community is what has stirred me so much.

The same day of the killings, while the five surviving girls were fighting for their lives in hospitals, members of the Amish community were already visiting the wife and kids and parents of the man who had caused this tragedy. The Amish recognized that his family would be experiencing pain and loss and grief and they went to provide comfort and to express their forgiveness of the man. When thousands of dollars of donations arrived from around the world, the Amish decided to give half of the donations to the gunman's family to help with the financial burden of losing the income that he had provided. Nearly 50 Amish men and women attended the burial of the gunman in support of his family and to show their forgiveness.

Many have tried to uncover what motivated this response. Was it for show? Was it because the eyes of the world were on their community? Was it sincere? The Amish didn't really understand the questions. All they have ever known is a world where the first reaction when one is wronged is to forgive. They believe that only by forgiving will they ever be forgiven. They pray The Lord's Prayer numerous times each day. It is the only prayer that they say out loud because they believe it pretty much covers anything that needs to be said.

Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors

Each day is filled with numerous moments when the choice of whether or not to forgive is presented to us. Fortunately most offenses are minor, but even those can catch me up. I imagine what the world would be like if the impulse was to step towards the one who offends and to embrace them - if not literally, at least figuratively. We are a defensive society and too often my impulse is to interpret gestures as personal offenses. Someone cuts me off in traffic and I am enraged at the offense. If someone has spoken negatively about me I want to defend myself against them. But a reaction of defense, or anger, never diffuses a situation or eases the tension and anxiety.

I am inspired and encouraged by this book. I actually can imagine a world where the first reaction is one of calm, and peace, and forgiveness. I don't truly believe we will ever live in a world like that, but the Amish show that it can be done. Imagine the outcome if we all just stopped defending ourselves and fighting back. What might have happened if, after September 11, 2001 our country had reached out to the families of the men who flew the planes? What if we had gone to their countries and tried to understand why the attacks happened? Somehow I can't imagine that we would be any further behind than we currently are and maybe we would even be in a better place.

Vegetarian Chili

I like weekends because I have time to cook things that take more than 15 minutes to prepare. Today I made vegetarian chili. Sam is on a new diet and this is high in protein and low in fat.

First saute in 2 tablespoons of Canola oil:
Chopped red, yellow, and/or orange peppers
Onion
Garlic
Celery





Next crumble extra firm tofu into pot and continue to saute:



Add about 1 tablespoon chili powder and one teaspoon crushed red pepper:





Add 2 cans of stewed tomatoes and 2 tablespoons of red wine vinegar:





Finally add 2 cans of beans - I like Garbanzo beans and kidney beans:



Let simmer for 20 minutes, pour glass of wine and enjoy the smells and then eat!

Year-end Meme

Got this idea from Michelle at Bleeding Espresso : http://bleedingespresso.com/

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Married Sam. Watched my firstborn graduate from college. Started learning Italian; started learning Spanish. Grew eggplant. Stayed in Boulder, Utah. Had a colonoscopy. Hosted my high school roommate for a visit after 30 years!
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t really make resolutions.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No one really close.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No one really close.
5. What countries did you visit? Unfortunately I did not visit any countries in 2009. Only in even years!
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Time in Europe. A son who is studying in grad school. A step-son who has a job. A daughter who graduates from college and is following her dreams.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 9th because we got married that day.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? It wasn’t mine, exactly, but it was sure satisfying to watch Andrew graduate Summa Cum Laude from college!


9. What was your biggest failure? Not finding more ease in being a step-mother to Kristen.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Strange pulled muscle in my stomach that has kept me from doing sit-ups for over 5 months now.
11. What was the best thing you bought? Rosetta Stone – Italian and Spanish. Also the BMW 328i!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Sam for being so pleasant during the long visit from my parents.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Most of the Fox News folks and Rush Limbaugh.
14. Where did most of your money go? Hard to pin point!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Marrying Sam!
16. What song will always remind you of 2009? “God Bless the Broken Road That Led Me Straight To You.” Rascal Flatts
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer? (a) About the same (b) fatter, but I was too thin last year and (c) definitely richer, in every way!
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Reading, writing, communicating with Kristen, meditating.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Complaining and obsessing.
20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve with Andrew and Heather and Kristen and Tom and Sam and Christmas day at home with Sam and Kristen and Tom.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Every day.
22. What was your favorite TV program? Castle and Cold Case
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don’t think so, although my ex-sister-in-law is stirring some unpleasant emotions!
24. What was the best book you read? South from Granada, Gerald Brenan – I know there are others, but I can’t think of them right now.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? James Taylor is always the greatest
26. What did you want and get? Sam – time in Utah
– more kayaking
27. What did you want and not get? Trip to Maine to visit my parents before they moved
28. What was your favorite film of this year? Don’t know yet..I’m at least a year behind
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 48 and my parents were here for Andrew’s graduation and we had a couple friends over and Heather and Seth (her boyfriend) were here too.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I think if I was retired and if we were living in Europe, but there is no way to know that for sure. I have many reasons to be satisfied with things as they are.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
32. What kept you sane? Planning next year’s trip to Spain and reading blogs and of course, running!
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Obama
34. What political issue stirred you the most? Health care and war
35. Who did you miss? Many people at various times.
36. Who was the best new person you met? I have made several on-line friends, but Heather’s boyfriend Seth has to be the “best” new person!


37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. My perspective is never the only one and rarely the correct one.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love, along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign, pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passin' through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand, you've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan, that is comin' true

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

The Facebook dimension

I'm contemplating the whole idea of my Facebook "community." At first I used FB only to stay in touch with my kids while they were studying abroad.



Then, while snowed in last Christmas, I discovered lots of high school friends with whom I had not communicated in 30 years and it was fun to get a glimpse of their lives and to share some of my own.


Over the next months I was found by lost friends from as far back as summer camp - girls (because that is how I remember these now-middle-aged women) who I had not seen or talked to in over 35 years!



I started to feel like FB was a small town where I knew everyone and I could walk down the street and say hello, or not, and if I heard snippets of conversation that interested me I could stop and comment. My birthday came and I enjoyed the well-wishes of friends from all over the world and - even though there is little easier than writing "Happy Birthday" on someone's FB wall- it still made me feel cared for.

From time to time I was asked to "friend" someone I could not even remember, but they had gone to high school at the same time I was there and remembered me, and a few others who I swear I never knew, but we have several mutual friends, so what the heck. I have 2 friend requests right now from people that have no connection to me. I don't want to delete the requests (that seems rude and, who knows, in time perhaps I will figure out a connection), but I also don't want to accept them as friends in case they are weird stalker types pretending to be the normal looking person in their photo! I have also asked others to be my friend and have never gotten a response. I like to think it is because they don't actually log onto their FB account - surely it isn't an actual rejection - is it?!

I am "friends" with some of my nieces and nephews and a couple cousins who all live on the East coast and this has provided a way for us to know each other a little bit. I enjoy the updates on their lives and being one of the first rather than the last (as I have been since moving 3000 miles away) to learn of engagements, pregnancies, grad school acceptances, etc. I am even friends with one ex-husband and his sisters and their kids, although I have limited what they can see in my profile.

Through FB I have also become "friends" with two couples who live in Spain. I had originally found them through reading their blogs and then connected on FB and now I have a frequent glimpse into their worlds. When we are in Spain next fall we are going to visit with both couples. I have never known anyone through the internet before meeting them in person, but they have come to feel like a real part of my world.

Last night I updated my status and someone from Connecticut - someone who was 4 or 5 years behind me in high school but, apparently thought highly of me at the time and was so pleased to have "found" me-went on a total rant. Much of what she said had nothing to do with my post, but she was going off about immigrants and such. When I commented back to her trying to bring her back to my very basic point (that I was choosing to study Spanish) she went on further about our society taking God out of everything, and how her world is about responsibilities so she doesn't have time to learn another language and that I should go and enjoy my trip and post all my photos on FB! Wow!

I discovered, sitting at my dining room table, that someone 3000 miles away seems to resent my life as she assumes it to be, based on what I have put on FB! I started to respond but then decided it just wasn't worth it. I would not know this person if I tripped over her and I was puzzled about how my words, or my life, could get her so agitated. I wanted to e-mail her and explain - to fill her in on the realities of my life since she last saw me in 1979 so that she could know some of the hard times and then maybe accept me and be happy for the life I have now. But why? I thought about un-friending her, but don't want to hurt her feelings. Geesh! How ridiculous is that? Why doesn't she un-friend me if my postings are so offensive?

This morning I re-read the comment string on my post. It turns out that her comment was posted just behind the comment of another I-don't-really-know-you-but-I-see-you-sometimes-and-FB-has-made-us-closer friends. Eddie Baba. Eddie is an immigrant from Romania. After this woman's rant about immigrants Eddie ceased to add any more comments. I found myself wanting to write to her now and tell her about Eddie - or I wanted to publicly apologize to Eddie for her comments and also to let him and everyone else know that I do NOT agree with her. But, in the end I just deleted the entire post. I'm sure that no one will even notice. If, by some off-chance this woman were to ask, I would tell her more. I will hold off on un-friending her. That my life matters to her at all is something she is choosing.

But, as I walk down the street of this odd FB community, I think I'll take the long way around the block to avoid her house for awhile!

Why I travel and dream of traveling more...

There is a quote from some Peace Corps paperwork that I can relate to:


If we do not offer ourselves to the unknown, our senses dull, our world becomes small and we lose our sense of wonder. Our eyes will not lift to the horizon; our ears will not hear the sounds around us. We pass our days in a routine that is both comfortable and limiting. We soon wake up to find we have lost our dreams in order to protect our days. Fear of the unknown and the lure of the comfortable space will conspire to keep you from taking the chances you should take.

But if you take a chance, you will never regret the choice. To be sure, there will be moments of doubt when you stand alone on an empty road in the pouring rain, or when you are ill with fever in a rented bed. But as the pains of the moment will come; so will they ever fade away. In the end you will be so much richer, so much stronger, so much happier and so much the better person for having taken risk, and hardship.

There will be nothing to compare to the insight you have gained.

Trip to Utah

We are in Boulder, Utah. We arrived yesterday and tried to check in at the Boulder Mountain Lodge where I made a reservation back in March for 2 couples, for 3 nights. There was no record....we showed the e-mail confirmation to the competent young woman and she discerned that our reservation was at the Boulder Mountain Lodge in Boulder...Colorado! That would be 485 miles east of where we are. I was totally humiliated since I like to believe that I NEVER screw up! So, we lost our $150 deposit and now had to find lodging for the 4 of us in a "town" of less than 200 people with only 3 small hotels. There was no vacancy at the lodge, and none at the next hotel, but fortunately we were able to get 2 rooms at the third hotel and then made reservations for the following 2 nights back at the Boulder Mountain Lodge. I wanted this screw up to be the fault of someone else, but it really was my mistake.

This trip has been wonderful in many ways. Traveling with another couple is trying at times and probably not something we will attempt again any time soon, but the locations, the activities and the weather have been fabulous. I feel like a lizard sitting in the sunshine trying to absorb every bit of it before we return to the long rainy northwest winter.

The driving has provided endless amazing views - the geological history of the southwest is fascinating and the formations and colors are stunning. We enjoyed several days of riding our mountain bikes while in Moab, and had a good day of hiking in Arches National Park and today we took 2 wonderful hikes. The first was down the side of a canyon to a water fall. There were no people around and it was peaceful and so good for my soul. I could easily have sat next to the water sunning myself for many hours. Next we took a short hike on an un-marked trail and discovered some petroglyphs of antelope and perhaps goats and then about 100 handprints. It was such an exciting site to stumble on but unfortunately there were obvious signs of previous visitors. Clearly someone had tried to remove a slab of rock that had 2 petroglyphs on it, and then there was graffiti and initials dating back to the early 20th century. What is wrong with people?

There is a restaurant here in Boulder that has written up in Oprah magazine back in 2003. The Hell's Backbone Grill http://www.hellsbackbonegrill.com/ They have won numerous awards and the food really is excellent, but who would think there would be such a find in this tiny little corner of the world? This really is fairly close to the middle of nowhere! Anyhow, check out the link and read their story..it is pretty cool.

Tomorrow we will hike some more and then Sam and I will part ways with Vicki and Steve and we'll head to Las Vegas for a few days with Sam's family. That will be quite a switch after more than a week in such peaceful natural settings!

Random thoughts

I have been doing an odd thing this fall. Each day I look at the photos taken on the same day a year ago, or three years ago to see where we were in either Spain or Italy. Then I choose a photo from one of those folders and make it my desktop photo on my computer.

Today's desktop photo was taken on a hike in the Alpujarra mountains in the Andalucia region of Spain. We spent a week in Ferreirola, a tiny village that was established by the Moors in 1492. Each day while we were there we took a different hike. The trails were steep, the drop-offs steeper, but the views were spectacular. We encountered very few people, but many goats grazing on the hill sides. When we stopped we could hear the sound of the bells on the necks of the goats echoing across the canyon. This photo was taken looking back towards Ferreirola. The landscape was beautifully barren.


This was the place, more than any other on our Spain trip, that we hope to return to someday.








Three years ago we were in Tuscany. The moon was full outside our room at the Agriturismo near Sienna.




There is no doubt that Tuscany has picture-book beauty and endless historic offerings to explore. We arrived in Tuscany at the end of our trip - a bit exhausted and having seen numerous cathedrals and quaint villages. We were full with so many experiences; from Umbria to Puglia, from Calabria to the Aeolian Islands near Sicily. What we had cherished most in the weeks that led up to our time in Tuscany was the absence of tourists, and specifically American tourists in the locations we visited. It seemed that in Tuscany, each time we stopped we were arriving just behind a bus load of tourists from Alabama or Texas or New York. The voices were loud and there was a frantic rush to the various shops which clearly depend on these same tourists.










Today I picked tomatoes and peppers (as it seems I have been doing for weeks!) The tomatoes have been sliced and salted and are drying in the oven and the peppers will probably get roasted and then frozen for late-fall chili rellenos.


I have just spent 4 days showing a high school classmate around Oregon and seeing my home through the eyes of someone who had never been to the northwest. It is a magnificent place to call home. When I moved here 27 years ago I swore that I would never get used to the beauty, but I did. It was renewing to marvel at the moss-covered trees in the coastal mountains, and to watch someone draw in their breath at the awesomeness of the Columbia River Gorge.




All of this reminds me that I am living a blessed life.